Communication as the Foundation of Trust

When we begin a relationship, we most often do so with communication. We speak a lot yet are we saying what is truly intimate and vulnerable or are we just starting a relationship to fill a void or to fulfill the requirements a society asks of us. The surface conversations we tend to have at the onset of a relationship are the stories that connect us together, yet at the same time, we as people tend to shy away from the conversations that truly bond us together.

Having the conversations that matter, that connect us more than just on the surface, are the ones that make us vulnerable. These conversations are the ones that are supposed to happen, yet don’t. The ability to truly be vulnerable with someone is painful for many people, and we choose to close off, instead remaining on a very surface level of communication. This does not stop us from falling for one another, yet over time, there are holes in the relationship because the communication we needed to build the foundation was not there.

When we hear that communication is the key to a successful relationship, people think this means that people need to talk more. This is not necessarily the case. What we need to do, relating to communication, is we need to turn to one another and learn to speak with positive, open and honest communication. Communication is the foundation of trust, and this means more than just telling the truth, it means turning toward one another, opening up and sharing our story as it truly is.

Communication is more than words, it is the dance we do throughout our relationship that either continues to work together for one another, or the opposite, pulls us away from one another. Communication allows us to express concerns we have. Sometimes those concerns are with another person, other times they are with people outside of our relationship and we want to share them with our partner. As a person, we want to be comfortable to share with our partner all aspects of our life.

So how do we get here? How do we learn to truly communicate so that we are turning inward to our relationship and to truly know who our partners are.

1. We know our own story

Our lives are so involved with everything we do, that we rarely take the time to get to know ourselves. This makes being able to communicate with others very difficult. This is the part of the journey of discovery that counselors work on with clients. When we peel away the layers that have developed to protect us, we learn a way of living that is very different from what we do while protected. Can you truly share with others what your desires are, what your needs are, what your wants are, if you have not truly learned them yourself. To take the time to learn who you are, to dig deep and assess yourself, will help you know what you truly want from this life. When doing so, being able to have someone to communicate with, someone to share your story with and someone to discuss all that you are learning about yourself with, will help to thicken the reality of who you are. If the person you are sharing with is someone you trust, someone you are comfortable being honest with, and someone you can truly be vulnerable with, then this process will strengthen the relationship you have together.

• We learn to be comfortable with our partner to share our story

When we learn to know who we are and we get comfortable with knowing ourselves, then we are more likely to be available to our partner. This is important because when we speak of communication, being vulnerable and able to share in this emotional state of being is what opens ourselves up to truly communicate. To truly be able to share our story with someone is what we desire to do. The goal of emotional connection in an honest, heartfelt way is more than just a hallmark card, it is truly who we desire to be. Taking the time to connect with your partner by sharing your truth is hard at first, yet with practice from you turning toward and from them listening, you will build the relationship positively toward one another.

• We listen intently

To simply listen to your partner is not truly listening. We are often told that we need to listen with our ears. When we open ourselves up to our partner, we listen with our ears, our eyes, our bodies, and our minds. We take in what we are hearing, and we work to make it our own. When we consider communication and listening, it is easy to just sit there and say I hear you. What we need to be able to do is more than just words, we need to hear, we need to understand, and we need to reciprocate what is being shared with us, and or what is being asked of us. When we work for a company who is asking us to do something we don’t want to do, we hear them asking, yet we choose to do things our own way. When the same comes to our relationships, we are listening, yet we are not communicating or listening intently. This does not mean hearing what your partner wants of you and doing it; instead this is listening to what your partner is sharing as it is personal and intimate; it is also building trust.

• We communicate with trust.

We are people, and the person who we reach out to and share the most with is our partner. We need to know we can trust them with our words, which is the steppingstone to allowing them to hold our heart in their hands. Trusting someone is more than just knowing they won’t leave you. Trusting someone is truly an intimate experience, one which bonds two people together through the good times and the bad. When we think of trust we think of cheating. This is a fair assessment. Consider that communication that is not truly heard, communication that is not openly shared or received and communication that is presented as a top-down attack helps create an environment that erodes trust. To truly trust your partner, you need to know and feel their communication is to help grow the relationship, to help grow themselves and to help you grow as a person. Combining all of this creates an environment in which turning inward toward one another helps strengthen the relationship and helps the relationships roots to grow deep.

An intimate, honest relationship with open communication does not happen overnight. A relationship that is truly comforting, caring and truthful takes the desire of people to want to turn toward one another, share with one another and be the true carer of the others emotional wellbeing. To do this is to communicate effectively.